Tired Thoughts

Tonight, I am tired. I am weary. I am sad. I feel lonely, though surrounded by a houseful of family. I am troubled and frustrated with the unfairness of life. I am wishing for the old normal, before Covid and quarantine and complicated questions of conscience. I am longing for freedom and a simpler time that feels so far away.

The day has run through my fingers like a rapid current, one thing after another. Family devotions, teenage angst, printing preschool materials and shopping the feria and grocery store (for longer than the allotted two hours on my official permission, I'm sure!) Eating a meal my husband prepared. Calling my parents. Finishing notes for one meeting before logging on to another. Searching for standards to steer this uncharted path of personal convictions and government guidelines and so many needs all around us.

My husband's day has been even longer than mine. When one meeting ends, another call comes in. Correspondence quickly compounds and he's juggling hats and adding another item to the calendar we've pinned on the bedroom wall. It hangs right over my monitor so I can try to maintain a semblance of sanity when some things feel so out of control.

I wish I were more organized. I wish my house was neat and clean and meals were planned and that I would homeschool to perfection. Instead I have glimmers of gladness when something goes right, and close my eyes to the chaos of scattered socks and paper piles and laundered linens waiting to be stored. My Christmas tree still stands at attention nearly a month after the holiday's gone by.

I am thankful for God's patience and need it (and Him) so desperately each day. Why He chose me and why He trusts me is outside my understanding and I can only contemplate His method of using the foolish things to confound the wise, and the weak to confound the mighty (1 Corinthians 1:27.) I am certainly the former in each case!

Tonight I'll pray myself to sleep asking Him for forgiveness and faith for tomorrow. Every new day is a gift and a blessing from God, one in which He gives us our "daily" bread so that time and again we are called to trust Him. He is worthy of it all, and so much more.