Adoption conversations. They happen when you least expect them.
Today the three kids and I were in the car on our way to Isabel's therapy when Eva suddenly asked, "Mom, sometimes ladies kill their babies before they are born but Christian people don't do that, right?"
Ouch. Talk about a deep conversation on the after-school commute! How I wished I could say to my daughter that of course Christian people would never do such a thing. Instead I knew it was teachable moment to share that even Christians can make just as wrong choices as anyone else, if we choose to ignore God speaking to us and do what we want to do instead of what we know is right.
It seemed appropriate to go from there to sharing how three brave women were faced with that choice and chose life for their unborn children instead of death. And how in choosing life, they also chose a forever family and we are blessed because that family is us!
The conversation ended on a positive note and our day continued. Hours later, Eva wandered into the kitchen where I was preparing dinner. "Mom," she said, "Sometimes I feel like my life isn't real, like you aren't my real Mommy and Daddy."
I didn't overreact (thank you, Lord!) and calmly managed to ask her what exactly she meant. "Do you mean you feel like you're dreaming?" She seemed a little embarrassed and started to back out the door, mumbling "Oh, nothing."
I quickly followed up with the question, "Or do you mean that you are thinking of your birth parents?" At that she halted her exit and returned to the kitchen. "Sometimes I wonder what they look like."
I said, "Well, let's see what we know about them. Your birth mother isn't very tall ..." and I continued listing the physical characteristics we do know, albeit they are few. That seemed to satisfy her and later at dinner, I reminded all three kids that it perfectly okay to have questions and Mommy and Daddy want them to always feel comfortable talking to us about them.
While I'm sure the second conversation must have been triggered by the first earlier that day, lately I have been surprised by Eva on more than one occasion. She will sometimes make statements that seem to have an underlying thought or question, and if I nudge her a little she will admit that she is wondering about her adoption or about her birth parents. Always I am reminded of Sherrie Eldridge's book "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" (a book with which I have a love/hate relationship, but that's another post) and the chapter entitled "Just Because I Don't Talk About My Birth Family Doesn't Mean I Don't Think About Them."
Wisdom. It is something every parent needs, but some days I sense that need more profoundly than others. Today was definitely one of those days.
Today the three kids and I were in the car on our way to Isabel's therapy when Eva suddenly asked, "Mom, sometimes ladies kill their babies before they are born but Christian people don't do that, right?"
Ouch. Talk about a deep conversation on the after-school commute! How I wished I could say to my daughter that of course Christian people would never do such a thing. Instead I knew it was teachable moment to share that even Christians can make just as wrong choices as anyone else, if we choose to ignore God speaking to us and do what we want to do instead of what we know is right.
It seemed appropriate to go from there to sharing how three brave women were faced with that choice and chose life for their unborn children instead of death. And how in choosing life, they also chose a forever family and we are blessed because that family is us!
The conversation ended on a positive note and our day continued. Hours later, Eva wandered into the kitchen where I was preparing dinner. "Mom," she said, "Sometimes I feel like my life isn't real, like you aren't my real Mommy and Daddy."
I didn't overreact (thank you, Lord!) and calmly managed to ask her what exactly she meant. "Do you mean you feel like you're dreaming?" She seemed a little embarrassed and started to back out the door, mumbling "Oh, nothing."
I quickly followed up with the question, "Or do you mean that you are thinking of your birth parents?" At that she halted her exit and returned to the kitchen. "Sometimes I wonder what they look like."
I said, "Well, let's see what we know about them. Your birth mother isn't very tall ..." and I continued listing the physical characteristics we do know, albeit they are few. That seemed to satisfy her and later at dinner, I reminded all three kids that it perfectly okay to have questions and Mommy and Daddy want them to always feel comfortable talking to us about them.
While I'm sure the second conversation must have been triggered by the first earlier that day, lately I have been surprised by Eva on more than one occasion. She will sometimes make statements that seem to have an underlying thought or question, and if I nudge her a little she will admit that she is wondering about her adoption or about her birth parents. Always I am reminded of Sherrie Eldridge's book "Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew" (a book with which I have a love/hate relationship, but that's another post) and the chapter entitled "Just Because I Don't Talk About My Birth Family Doesn't Mean I Don't Think About Them."
Wisdom. It is something every parent needs, but some days I sense that need more profoundly than others. Today was definitely one of those days.
3 comments:
Sounds like you handled the conversation well, Steph. I wish we had a more positive take on our boys' birth mother. It's not as easy as saying she chose life and us...I think that's what makes our adoption conversations more challenging for me to know how to handle sometimes. We really do need wisdom!
((HUGS)) Stephanie. You did great! It's so important that our kids know they can come to us w/out fear anytime they want to talk about their adoption/first family/birth country, etc. I also have a love/hate relationship with that book you mentioned! Unfortunately for Ben and I, it was the FIRST book on adoption we ever read way back when... talk about a bucket of ice water being thrown over our heads. I think it's an important book to read though... maybe just 3rd or 4th on the list instead of first... ease your way in, ya know? :)
Stephanie Wow what a conversation. We struggle with conversations about their birth parents. We don't have much information about their birth parents we have never meet them. All we have is what is in the court papers. But Graceyann also think her life would be better with her birth parents or back in Russia. Josh just doesn't care to talk about adoption. We are his parents and that is it. Whenever we talk about adoption he just walks away or doesn't talk. I need to read that second book that you mentioned maybe that would help with Josh. Keep up the good work and answering all those questions.
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