Those That "Failed"

I recently learned of an adoption loss suffered by friends with whom we had lost contact for some time. In the world of hopeful adoptive parents, these losses are often referred to as "failed" adoptions/placements/matches. They are true losses, just as painful as any physical miscarriage. Even if that baby was never held ... an aching hole remains for the dream that was shattered.

It is my hope that by sharing our own stories of adoption loss - with the understanding that God did eventually bless us with three precious children in His own way and time - I might be able to encourage others who need to know there is a Light at the end of the tunnel ...

If I can preface this post with one word of encouragement, it would be this: Don't give up. Adoption is not an easy road. We have found that just as giving birth to a child requires intense pain and labor, so too does adoption. Just as a pregnancy can end in miscarriage, so too can an adoption fall through and leave you with empty arms. But I think that Jesus' words in John 16:21 apply to those of us who become mothers through adoption, and failed adoption, as well: "A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world."

We have had two failed matches, one failed placement, and three successful adoptions. This is the story of those that “failed.”

It was February 2001 and after many months of waiting, we were supposed to bring home a six-month old baby boy we had named Isaac. Though we had not met him, we had his written biography and loved him already. Isaac was supposed to come home to us on a Monday morning. We had set up the crib, purchased a car seat and baby boy things, and were anxiously awaiting his arrival! Unfortunately, the Friday prior we received a devastating phone call from our agency. In court, rather than proceeding with TPR as planned the judge instead ordered Isaac back into foster care for another year. We were stunned and heartbroken. We truly had no idea that this could happen, and our agency did little to comfort us during this time. However, God was still in control! Unbeknownst to us, that very month a little girl was born. We would not learn of her existence until three months later, when she was legally free for adoption and after God had worked in our hearts and lives to submit to His sovereign will in the area of adoption …

Our second loss, a failed placement, was in February of 2004 when a three-hour old baby boy was placed into our arms at the hospital. We named him Caleb Isaiah, and brought him home to our two little girls who were so excited to be big sisters. He was a perfect, precious baby - so calm and sweet and our first son. One week after his birth, I returned home from his doctor's appointment to find that my husband had received a call from the agency saying that Caleb's birthmother had changed her mind. Once again we were stunned. I cried more tears than I thought my body could hold. Many times, I just wanted to curl up and die. Sadly, when we returned home without Caleb, our oldest daughter (then three years old) cried and cried for her "baby brother" and his loss affected her own sense of security. Only the prayers of faithful Christian friends and the knowledge of God’s sovereignty carried us through that heartbreaking time.

In January 2005 we experienced our third adoption loss. We had been matched with a potential birthmother in a neighboring state since the previous October. Her due date came and went, with no word from our contact person at the maternity home where she resided. We actually learned of the baby's birth from the home's website before anyone called us in person, and by then I knew in my heart that there had been a change of plans. Once again it was difficult for us emotionally, and financially as well.

We thought that perhaps we had misunderstood, and God simply did not want us to adopt again. But this is where I would reiterate what I said at the beginning: Don't give up! A year later on April 12, 2005, a call from out of the blue brought our long-awaited son Owen into our lives …

Yes, there has been tremendous heartbreak along adoption’s road. But there has also been joy beyond words. I know that we would go through it all again in order to have these three beautiful, precious children God has entrusted to us. Every tear, every heartbreak was worth it ... for them.

To those who have gone through similar heartaches or who may be experiencing them even now … may God bless each of you and wrap His loving arms around you as you face your own season of loss. He is faithful … He will carry you through!