Looking Forward, Looking Back

I wrote this journal entry a little over three months ago. I was not willing to share it at the time because of how personal it felt and how strong those emotions were at the time. Perhaps part of it was pride as well, not wanting to reveal how truly human and weak I am! (But most of you are quite aware of that already.)

The ache and the longing to adopt again has not gone away. We are still praying for a miracle. But God has walked us through these past three months one day at at time, and He will continue to do so. We have so much to look forward to, no matter what happens.

He is good.

As I begin writing this, I do not know yet whether I will share it with others. All I know is that there have been many thoughts and emotions swirling through my head this weekend and I think I will feel better bringing them out into the light of day and examining them more thoroughly.

Yesterday I was a mess of tears, impatience, frustration, disappointment, and sorrow. We are coming up to the one-year mark of having decided to adopt again and receiving our adoption grants. I truly believed that receiving not one, but THREE grants (out of hundreds of applicants for each one!) was a clear confirmation that this fourth adoption was in God’s plan as well. I also truly believed that we would be placed very quickly, because even before completing our formal application with an adoption agency in San Antonio they had contacted us several times about possible placements. They desperately needed families for their African American babies, and we were so excited to adopt a sibling that shared our son’s race. We had to decline those possibilities because at the time we did not have the required amount of living space and because of our upcoming move to Texas in July – but we were certain we’d be placed shortly after our arrival!

Then, just weeks before our move we discovered that for the first time in nine years of marriage, I was pregnant! What emotions – shock, disbelief, excitement, uncertainty – as we processed the joy of welcoming a baby biologically while also dealing with the frustration of being told we had to halt our adoption plans (after hours of paperwork and finances already invested!) The rollercoaster had more in store for us, however, as one week later I lost the baby to miscarriage. More emotions – guilt (should I have been more excited for this baby and less frustrated over the change in adoption plans?), questioning (what was the point of a long-awaited pregnancy only to have it end so quickly?), relief (better an early miscarriage than one further along) – and shortly thereafter, a return to our adoption plans.

We arrived in Texas along with the news that our adoption agency had a very premature baby girl needing a home. I told my husband that if she was in our area (a far-fetched possibility, I thought) I would consider the timing, location, and circumstances of her birth (having had two NICU babies already) as more than mere coincidence. It turned out that she was in the very city to which we arrived! We let the agency know immediately that we would like to be considered for her situation because we knew how very important it was for a NICU baby to have daily physical comfort, contact, and affection from his/her family in order to thrive. To our disbelief and frustration, they turned us down even though no other families came forth to adopt her. To this day, we believe this decision was made on the basis of finances because the agency also refused to classify her as a “special needs” baby despite her extreme prematurity and damaging brain hemorrhage – a classification which would have lowered the agency fees into the realm we could afford but would have “cut” their fees in half. For three months, I prayed and grieved for this motherless/fatherless child until finally a young couple was located in another state and received the blessing of adopting her.

During those three months, only one other adoption possibility came our way but did not reach fruition. And then came the devastating and unexpected realization through participating in our agency’s online forum, that our agency provided abortion information and referrals to their clients if requested. Our Biblical view of the sanctity of life collided with this and we ultimately decided to withdraw from the agency (losing over $2,000 in the process.) God led us, we believe, to a Christian agency in Houston which operates as both a crisis pregnancy center outreach as well as an adoption agency, and they began working with us in December. We all realized that with our small “window of opportunity” to adopt it would truly have to be God’s intervention bringing another child into our family.

It is now January, and as I said earlier, a year from our beginning efforts to adopt once again. There are currently two possibilities with our new agency but both are very “iffy” and my emotions go back and forth between tentative excitement and dreaming, to utter despair of either situation working out.

Meanwhile, I have been convicted about being so focused on this child that I am not taking the time to listen to the voice of God about our situation. I tell our girls that God can answer in three ways – yes, no, or wait – and I think I am afraid that if I listen too closely, the answer I might hear after all this time, tears, and efforts is “No.” In my heart I know that I must be willing to joyfully submit to that answer if this were the case. In fact, I feel guilty even struggling with this issue again because in my testimony shared time and again during our years of pre-field ministry, I spoke about our experience with our first failed adoption and then Eva’s adoption and how we learned that “God is sovereign, and He has a good and perfect plan for our lives … and it doesn’t matter if we know what that plan is, or even if we like the plan … what matters is that we are willing to submit to it …”

On the other hand, I hold onto the verses which say (and I paraphrase) “children are an inheritance from the Lord – blessed is the man who has his quiver full (of children)” … and I think of the adoption grants we have received and feel that surely those were orchestrated by God for the purpose of our adopting again!

Ultimately, I just don’t know the end result of all of this, but I realize that all of the ups and downs and hopes and disappointments will truly be in vain if I allow them to pull me away from the One who desires to mold me through them …

Oh Lord, please help me to be the person You want me to be, in joys and in sorrows …