RYC (Regarding Your Comment)

It is always encouraging to receive comments on our blog! I received the following comment after yesterday's post and was originally going to respond privately but thought that perhaps someone else might find my response helpful as well. I have had the privilege of interacting by e-mail with several families considering adoption this past year, and I am always glad to try and help the best I can - because it was someone taking the time to help us, that brought us to where we are today!

Hi Stephanie, We are waiting for a referral and I am trying to get "inside" a birthmother's heart. I want to feel what she is feeling plus I need to write to her. I can't seem to find anything on the internet. Can you help? Thanks. I read your blog all the time! Smiles, jen

My response:

Dear Jen,

I am by no means an expert on this subject, and can only share from our experiences. However, if you are adopting internationally, your experience will likely be different than ours was domestically. I am sure that in many ways birthmothers have the same emotions across cultural lines, but for some (such as in China) placing a child for adoption isn't by choice. Here in the US, in a private, domestic adoption the birthmother or birthparents of a child typically choose the family that will adopt their baby.

I think there are misperceptions about birthparents (certainly I had some before we adopted) - that the birthmother is a young teen, that she doesn't care about her baby, etc. Again, I can only speak from our perspective of a private, domestic adoption. But in each of our three adoptions, our children's birthmoms were older than 20. Placing a child for adoption is such a difficult and selfless decision, and I think most young teenagers don't have that kind of maturity or selflessness. In each of our adoptions, our children's birthmoms cared very much about their baby - enough to intentionally make an adoption plans for his/her future and entrust that baby to us.

One thing I have learned over the years is that birthparents never forget about the child(ren) they place. Both abortion and adoption will bring heartache to a woman at different times in her life, but at least with adoption a birthmom has the peace of knowing she gave her child life, and love, and a family. I do feel very strongly about sharing pictures and updates so that she can have the continued peace of knowing that the child she sacrificed for is healthy and happy and loved.

Our first adoption was closed, and as I didn't know better I did not think about many of these things until I read a book called Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber. It can be purchased on Amazon.com, and was very helpful to me. Also, have you had a chance to talk with other parents who have adopted internationally as you are? We have friends who have done so and I'm sure they would be glad to share their experiences with you as well! Both families first had biological children and then adopted. I'm guessing that is your situation as well, so perhaps they can be of even more help than I.

I am always so excited to hear of another family who shares GOD's hearbeat for adoption, and I hope to follow your journey to completion! Please feel free to contact me again, anytime. GOD bless!

In Christ,
Stephanie